Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Sure, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It's going to be large. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the finest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."

Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally out of location. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right up until the drone flies")

And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable h2o. But Sure, sure, let's have An additional area the place American Guys can have on robes and simply call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When earlier negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: present Anyone a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

According to documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly comfortable electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It really is that he should really quit working with it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the venture, replied, "You realize, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Great tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."

Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head obvious from Area, a element getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, labeled.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It is really not simply ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Attributes

Perhaps the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium where by visitors may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Management set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They'll Occur"

The ad marketing campaign, lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."

A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

18% reported "in which's the closest elevator to your West Lender?"

Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"

The undertaking is currently attracting attention from Intercontinental investors, including:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll acquire 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even contain:

A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War

Remark Part Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to wait to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a hotel wherever my PTSD can have change-down service."

Yet another write-up from Trump Tower Damascus @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Influence

U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences propose:

China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave it all three. You are welcome."